~loving you so much~

Hello blog.

It's my birthday today. I'm turning 21.
I guess so much unexpected things happen.
He called me, to wish me. ME, ME, OK?
It was just a 18 second conversation, but it feels heaven.

This morning while I was working as usual,
I received a text from him, again wishing me birthday.
I thought he was just trying to be nice.
Then as we go on, he apologised to me.
My tears started flowing, how I wish I could just say to him,
"It's ok baby, I've forgive you long ago".
But then, I was too egoistic. Don't blame me sayang!
And we texted as usual, asking how's life and so on.

Suddenly I just felt like asking him,
"How's life without me?"
and he said "Hmm kinda boring".
From that moments onwards, it just took us to another level.
I'm sorry for being sarcastic, I know I was.
I really wana be with you, but I'm scared.
Scared to lose you again.

Don't worry sayang, when the time comes surely it comes.
If it was meant to be, it will always meant to be.
My love is still same, haven't change not a bit.
I hope it does on your part, too.
Thanks for not forgetting my birthday.
Thanks for still put a hope on me.
I love you, so much, so so much.

p/s: "Loving You So Much", a poem for him.

The moment I think about you

I go to another world

A world where you love me too

And where I can never be hurt

The truth is I don’t know what to say

My mind goes completely blank

I have never in my life lost my way

But my heart with your love simply sank

If letting go was a choice

Then I definitely would

But I can't control the strong voice

That's telling me I never should

I have no clue

On how I should let you go

What is it that you do?

That's making me love you so

Maybe loving you isn’t a mistake

Maybe I can close my eyes and smile

Maybe in your presence my heart wouldn’t break

Maybe I can just dream for a while.

I sometimes wonder if you feel the same

I wonder if you think of me

I sometimes wonder if you silently call my name

I wonder if you'll ever see.

In the beginning I thought it was fake

I didn't think I'd go this far

I thought it was just a mistake

Now I can't stop wondering where you are

The question is do you care?

Do you even know?

Will you always be there?

Will you ever let me go?

If for any reason I cried

Would you take all the pain away?

If for any reason you lied

Would I still want you to stay?

My love for you is way too strong

For me to simply forget

Some people might think it's wrong

But your love is the one thing I shan't regret.

~best friend~

Love, do u know how happy was I last night?

Do u know how happy I am to lastly cried,

to lastly feel relieved, to lastly feel loved again?

Do u know how hard is all this for me?

I tried my best, I really did.

I'm sorry, I had to tell him it was over between me and you.

I can't do this any longer. I can't keep on pretending.

I couldn't lie to his eyes, I had to depend on him now.

He told me everything's gonna be fine between us.

That you shall be back; truth is he's lying!

I know he was just trying to please me, as usual.

But I know, there was nothing fine.

Through time like this, I wonder..

Why have u not even once tried to get to know him?

Do u know I've held on through our relationship,

all because of him, he made me realize things.

Times when u hurt me, times when I knew what I wasn't suppose to.

He was all here for me, coaxing me to always believe in u.

Why?why?why?

I'm so jealous, over him.

He has the greatest partner, and I'm left here all alone.

I'm so stupid, I said that to myself everytime.

I wish u always realized what me and him are all about.

I love u sayang, not him. Don't u know that?

Between me and him, yes I know I can't leave him.

He's my true friend, and the only one has never hurt me.

He's the only one I could ever trusted, and never judged me.

He's there every single time my heart breaks,

because I always meet the so called wrong guys.

He was even there through my happiness with u.

He believed I'm so madly in love with u,

that's why he needed to care so u won't hurt me.

If only u once sit and listen.

I've never loved him, as much as I did to u.

Sayang, why?why? I can't stop asking that.

Now u left me, I'm lucky he's here to make me go through this pain.

As usual, he'll be here, the "one ring" guy, is that fair?

But to tell u, this is what it called FRIENDSHIP.

He wanted to confronted u, I guess there's no need.
I told him, if u wanted to trust me.

U'll believe since first i said, but u don't. Right?

U always judge me, when truth is u're the one keep on cheating.

U think I didn't know all that u did?

U think I didn't know what u've been up to.

But all through it, I blinded my eyes.

Just to save this little love I'm getting from u.

How I wish I could just slap u in the face,

for all the time u made me cry.

How I wish I could just beat u up,

for all the time u've been lying but u blamed me.

How I wish I could've just killed u.

But how do I do that, tell me just how.

How do I hate someone I love dearly?

I wish u were him, he was my bestfriend.

He is someone who'll always be beside me.

Too bad he wasn't the guy I love.

Do u know every single time u accused me and him,

I break into tears.

If only u see what I see everyday.

He truly loves the gf, she's the most luckiest girl in this world.

I want to be like her, but I want him to be you.

I want us, not me and him, US!!!

U don't know things he said to me,

U don't know things he ask me to do for u.

U just don't know.

Even till this very second, he's still supporting me.

on our relationship, how do i find a friend like that?

How I wish u knew all this, but u DON'T!

I'm happy for last night, I had a shoulder to cry over u.

I'm trying my best now, to really get over u.

I'll soon leave all of this, to forget u.

I'm also leaving him, and all my loved ones, for u.

It's not fair, I have to do every single thing.

every single time, because of you.

But it's okay, you're all worth it, 

even we didn't have much time together.

You're my sweetest drug, Love!

P/S: "Goodbye" by Air Supply.

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try.
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize.
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life.

I don't want to let you down, I don't want to lead you on

I don't want to hold you back, from where you might belong.
You would never ask me why, my heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore.
I would rather hurt myself, than to ever make you cry.
There's nothing left to say but good-bye.
You deserve the chance at the kind of love.
I'm not sure I'm worthy of, losing you is painful to me.

~please forgive me~

Tonight is the night

Everyone is getting ready,

Wan and the girls are here at my home.

I should be happy right?Its my night.

But despite these smile I've shown, I just miss u.

Stronger and stronger, each second.

Baby, I've been listening to this song, over and over again.

I posted in facebook too, hoping u would noticed.

Just wanna dedicate it, especially for you.

"Please forgive me" by Brian Adams.

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and it's getting better baby
No one can better this, I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love you longer
You still turn the fire on.

So If you're feeling lonely.. Don't!
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me,If I need you like I do
Please believe me ,every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you.
 
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch, we're still getting closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holding on.
You're still number one.
I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything.
I remember all your moves, I remember you
I remember the nights you know I still do.

One thing I'm sure of is the way we make love.
And the one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm praying
That's why I'm saying.

~my prayers for you~

Oh baby! U made me smile, at least enough for today.
At least enough for me to know you're there.
I'm glad finally u replied my text, oh that's the sweetest!
Still I'm sad, you're having bronchitis, I'm so worried about u,
and I could not stop thinking what if something worse will happen.

I'm so sorry to hear about ur sickness,
How I wish I could run straight away to u.
I'm holding my every best, so that I won't sound like I cared that much,
or showed u that I still wanna know things about u.
It hurts me so much to act as if I'm just trying to be nice,
When u don't know the truth is, I just feel terriby bad sayang!
I'm sorry I can't ask much and I'm sorry for still pretending.

I know u'll put through, trust me I won't stop praying for u.
I wish I could tell u, see that's why I've been nagging all this while.
I tried holding back from saying to you,
"You should eat this, you should do that, don't be stubborn"
I bet u still remember that's why u called me nurse.

Suddenly my tears started to run slowly,
I didn't realize I cared that much.
Love, be safe, be healthy, don't give up!

Almighty God,You are the everlasting health of those who believe in You. Hear us for Your sick servant, for whom we implore the aid of Your tender mercy, that being restored to bodily health. O God of heavenly powers, by the might of your command you drive away from our bodies all sickness and all infirmity. Be present in your goodness with your servant, that his weakness may be banished and his strength restored; and that, his health being renewed, he will be bless by You.

~forever connected~

Hello blog.

Today is the 26th. My 26th. His 26th. Our 26th.
I have never forgotten it my dear, do you?

How I wish I could just pick up the phone
and ring u now, this very second.
but I just can't, not anymore. I'm not strong!
I tried texting u, but there was no reply.
I heard you're sick, and suddenly my world feels so numb.
I was supposed to be there for u, right?
I was supposed to be the one easing your pain.
but just look at our distance sayang. Sigh!

Tomorrow night, I'm going for the dinner, my pre-grad night.
and I don't even feel like going, because it's nothing.
I'm sorry to go with the guy u dislike. I had no other choice.
How I really wish u were here now, I know u'll be all worry about me.
Telling me that I should behave well, telling me I shoudn't go with him.
Telling me you're jealous, just tell me that!
And u are supposed to be there too, together with me.
Hmmm, too bad, past is just past.

Love, I miss you soooooooo much, don't you?
I miss the smell of you, I miss the hugable you.
I miss your passionate kiss, and your tenderness touch.
I just miss every little thing about you!
Wherever you are, I just wanted to say to you.
Happy 17th month Anniversary Sayang!
I love you, and will always do.

P/S: "Forever Connected", a poem created just for him.

Every moment we spent together
Has touched our lives, our souls forever.
The things that we shared and learned
Is permanent growth that we've earned.

The person that I have grown into today
Did not get there by chance, no way.
I am who I am partly because of you
And you are you because of me, too.

The changes I see in this years
and what I have learned about me
are a response to how we affected our lives
and what we discover in each other's eyes.

It is uncertain if we have to part or one day live together
Either way, we have touched our lives forever!
No matter what the future will show.
No matter what we are told, we'll make it through.

We are connected on such a deep levels
That no one can remove that, not even the devil.
Our feelings might be different a year from now
But you are part of me forever somehow.

A part of me will always be you
and a part of you will always be me.
No matter what happens, that much is certain
Our souls are one until life closes the curtain.

I will love you dearly, forever.
For worse or for better.
You are tattooed in my heart
And nothing can tear our souls apart.

I will never forget you,
For my love is always honest and true.

~why??~

Hello blog!

Why does love has to be broken all the time?
Why cant human just love till the end of time, why?
Why does he seems to be just fine without me?
Why everything is so easy on his side?
Why did he impacted me this strong?
Till I cant breathe, till I cant continue living?

Today, exactly one week after he went away.
A week without him, and all through it with pains and tears.
Never once i mentioned to anybody that our love has come to end
Maybe I cant, maybe I'm embarassed, I dont know.
I dont hate him, at all. Infact this love grow greater each day.
All my life I've been praying to meet a guy like him,
now I've found one, he left me, with nothing!

This whole week, without fail, I go online every single minute,
I hang on to my phone every single second,
Wishing and hoping I could hear from him.
Sadly, he's pretty fine without me, he dont miss me.
Not at all, as I hope he would have been.
Why did he forget me? How did this doesnt affect him?
I keep on asking and asking. It's just not fair.
It wasnt me searching for him, he came out of nowhere,
He opened my heart and now he went but he locked it up.

Last night, he chatted me up on facebook, for the first time.
Unfortunately, only to show how fine he was.
Not being the guy that promised to stay with me forever.
Fuuny he still remember to download something I ask long before.
Guess I should be happy, at least he remembered!
On that second onwards, I set my mind up
"Nana! He wont care anymore, stop dreaming! Focus and move on!"
But how can I do that, when I still see him everywhere?
when everyone's around still asking about him.
I don't know how long will I keep on pretending. Sigh!

Nobody understand this heartache, nobody will.
I have reason for keeping silent, I hope one day he'll understand.
I wish him a happy life, if he have found someone new.
I wish she could take care of him, as I would if I had the chance.
Although I know, she would never able to love him like I do
Not anyone, not anybody can.

I know he's in pain, I feel every sadness and emptiness he feels.
But how do I help him,  how can I sayang?
I pray God will grant him good life, enough of suffering him please.
I pray he will be healthy, I'm praying from far for u dear.
I'm so worried now you're sick, I wish I was there! 
My prayers will always help u get through your days.
My love will always keep u safe and warm.
No matter our distance, no matter what time, I'm always with u.
But u wont notice it, because u've deleted me.
And I'll remain deleted, hiding far fom u.

Later when I'm gone, please don't cry for me.
As I couldn't bare seeing your tears.
But please be happy of our memories, the love we once cherish.
Because that is the only things that's keeping me alive now.
Reminiscing the times I spent with you, beautifully.
I was truly happy, Love, I am.
and I feel terrible I never had the chance to say this to you.

The saddest part, part I regret most was
I was really dreaming that someday I will be your wife, to have my perfect family
I was really planning to go see the world with you, on vacations
I was really working hard each night and day to get us going in future, so we have tons of money and we dont have to worry about any.
I was really hoping that our love will be blessed, and I will be healed
I was really starting to plan all this, the day when u said,
"Are u ready to start your life with me?"
And now what's left, nothing, only my regrets.

Love, may we meet hereafter, or in the next life.
Because even if I die, my love remains.
Till we meet again ;'(

~love letter~

Dearest Love

It is very important for me to express to you how much you really mean to me. I wish I could do this in person while holding you in my arms and gazing into your eyes. But since we are physically separated by miles of emptiness, this expression must come in the form of letters such as this.

Love, I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. After all, it is said that "True Love" is boundless and immeasurable and overcomes all forms of adversity. In truth, if it is genuine, it will grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.

Love, our love has been assaulted many times, and I am convinced that it is true because the longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. You are my Charming Prince, and I am your devoted Princess. I cherish any thought of you, prize any memory of you that rises from the depths of my mind, and live for the day when our physical separation will no longer be.

Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love, my warm embrace, and my most passionate kiss.

~starting this new journey~

Hello blog.

I guess time run fast when ur happy,
and it slows down when ur sad.
I just realized how much I miss my life,
partially the part when he was still here, right beside me.
The purpose of this blog is all about him, the love of my life.
on how much love we had, and on how much hatred this years has build.

26102008- a day i will never forget.
its the start of something good,
and 18032010- a day i wish will never comes
its the end of something bad.

God, I want to dream again, He made me believe in dreams.
I could not go a second without thinking "WHY"
Why did I ever do the stupidest mistake ever?
How will I survive this world alone? no longer with him.
I feel like dying, but even death wont accept me.
I want to go, take away what's left on me.
And build this half piece he left with me, again.

Im still breathing now, wishing that my last breath
will come when I'm in his arms
I'm still going strong, wishing I could see him
when the last moment of my life comes
I wish he knew what was it all about
Why did I became such, why didn't I speak the truth?
Why am I always doing this mistake??

I hope deep down him, he will never forget me.
I want to live this world peacefully, knowing that he did once love me
But I guess, its all too late, its over now.
He will never know the truth, and I will never have chance to say it.

How I wish the time I had, I've used wisely
How I wish I told him how much I love him.
How I wish things didn't turn this way.
How I just wish so much things were different...
But wish is just wish, I've never regret anything, though.

If I had the chance to do it again, I'll still pick this.
I'll stick pick to meet him, in any condition.
He was the greatest part of my short journey
And will always remain that.
Thank you, LOVE.

~thats what i called love~

I love you, I love you, I love you

Baby I love you
You are my life
My happiest moments weren't complete
If you weren't by my side
You're my relation
In connection to the sun
With you next to me
There's no darkness
I can't overcome

You are my raindrop
I am the seed
With you and God, who's my sunlight
I bloom and grow so beautifully
Baby, I'm so proud
So proud to be your girl
You make the confusion
Go all away
From this cold and mixed up world

I am in love with you
You set me free
I can't do this thing
Called life without you here with me
Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you
I'll never leave
Just keep lovin' me
The way I love you loving me

And I know you love me
Love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am
Baby you were my man
I know it ain't easy
Easy loving me I appreciate the love and dedication
From you to me
Later on in my destiny
I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife
And I see my whole future in your eyes
Thought of all my love for you sometimes make me wanna cry
Realize all my blessings I'm grateful
To have you by my side

Every time I see your face
My heart smiles
Every time it feels so good
It hurts sometimes
Created in this world
To love and to hold
To feel, to breathe, to love you.
I love you , I love you, I love you